Code Switching and the Cost of Shrinking Yourself

Code switching is often described as adjusting parts of who you are to “fit in” with the expectations or comfort of the larger group. For many Black women, this isn’t just a habit — it’s a survival strategy we learned long before we even recognized we were doing it.

I’ve noticed that I code switch at work, with friends, and even with my family because they’re familiar with an older version of me — not the woman I’m actively becoming.

As I’ve stepped deeper into my spiritual and healing journey, I’ve felt a constant tug-of-war between the life I used to live and the version of myself I’m growing into. At work, I often hold my tongue or soften my presence because I don’t want to be labeled the “Angry Black Woman” or seen as aggressive for simply expressing myself. Around family and friends, I sometimes slip back into the woman who overlooked her worth, settled for less, and accepted bare-minimum experiences — surviving instead of thriving — because that’s who they remember.

But I’m learning where I feel most like myself:
in church, during workouts, writing, listening to calming music, sipping tea, being quiet and reflective, dreaming boldly, setting goals, caring for my mental health, walking outside, dancing in my living room, and encouraging others to be their best selves in ways that feel natural to me.

My pastor reminds me every week that we must surround ourselves with people who reflect where we’re going, not just where we’ve been. People who pour into us, challenge us, and support our spiritual and emotional growth. I’m actively searching for a community of women who are on their healing and spiritual journey — women who value peace, authenticity, and self-elevation. If that is you, please reach out. I would truly love to connect with you.

Deep down, I know I’m meant to be creative. I feel called to entrepreneurship, multiple streams of income, and a life that doesn’t confine me to a single desk or a single version of myself. I thrive within routines, but I also know that my purpose requires growth, expansion, and opportunities that stretch me into a better version of myself every day.

My peace lives in the spaces where I don’t have to shrink — and I am learning to choose those spaces intentionally.

Tips for Showing Up as Your True, Authentic Self (and Reducing Code Switching)

1. Create spaces where you can practice being yourself.
Start small. Choose safe environments — like journaling, church, or talking with a trusted friend — where you can show up without the mask.

2. Pay attention to when you start shrinking.
Notice when your voice gets quieter, your posture changes, or you begin filtering your thoughts. Awareness is the first step toward change.

3. Ground yourself before entering environments that trigger code switching.
A deep breath, an affirmation, a short prayer — anything that reconnects you back to yourself before you walk in.

4. Remember that boundaries are not attitudes.
You are not “angry” for having needs. You are not “aggressive” for speaking up. Boundaries are a form of self-love.

5. Connect with people who accept the real you.
Community matters. Surround yourself with people who allow you to be soft, loud, quiet, joyful, evolving — and everything in between.

6. Challenge the belief that you need to be “less” to be accepted.
Ask yourself: Who told me I needed to shrink? And why am I still agreeing with them?

7. Practice small acts of authenticity daily.
Wear what feels like you. Speak in your natural tone. Share your ideas. Take up space a little more each day.

8. Give yourself grace on the days you still code switch.
This is deep unlearning. It takes time. You are allowed to grow at your own pace.

Your Challenge for This Week

I encourage you to show up as your true, authentic self in every environment you enter and around every person you encounter this week.
Pay attention to how it feels not to shrink — to speak in your natural voice, to take up space, to simply be you without adjusting or filtering.

At the end of the week, take a moment to reflect:
• What felt freeing?
• What felt uncomfortable?
• What did you learn about yourself?

Your authenticity is not a risk — it’s a return to who you’ve always been.