Grieving Who I Used to Be (While Becoming Who I’m Meant to Be)

Grief is an interesting concept—especially when you are grieving the person you once were.

Lately, I’ve found myself grieving my old self, but not in the way most people would expect. I don’t miss who I was because I was thriving or at peace. I grieved her during hard moments because she knew how to escape.

That version of me suppressed my emotions by any means necessary—whether through substance use or inserting myself into other people’s chaos so I wouldn’t have to face my own. Avoidance became a coping mechanism. Distraction became survival.

Sometimes I still feel the pull toward those old habits. I try to indulge in the things that once helped me escape, but now, when it’s over, I feel heavy. I feel convicted. I feel guilty. Not in a shame-filled way, but in a this no longer serves you kind of way.

Deep down, I know it isn’t aligned with who I am becoming. And God reminds me of that every single time. He knows I am better than that. And I know it too.

Recently, I noticed something shift.

When I start to spiral—when my mind begins heading down a dark rabbit hole—I can’t fully go through with it anymore.

A few days ago, I had a rough week at work. Tension with my boss. A conversation with a family member that went completely left. My mind was racing. I couldn’t sleep. I tend to hold onto people’s words longer than I should (I’ve gotten better, but I’m still working through it).

So I did what the old me would have done.

I went to a dispensary, telling myself I needed something to relax. Something to calm my mind. Something to help me sleep.

As I stood there scrolling through the kiosk, I paused.

I started asking myself:

Is this truly going to make me feel better?
Is this going to bring peace?
Is this going to help me rest?
Or do I just want to escape?

I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything.

Instead, I talked to God.

I asked Him for peace.
I asked Him to quiet my mind.
I asked Him to help me rest.

That night, I slept better than I had in days.

Not because I numbed myself.
Not because I ran from my feelings.
But because I handed the situation over to God.

I realized something important in that moment:

I cannot control other people’s actions.
I cannot control their words.
I cannot control their behavior.

I can control my responses.
I can control how I show up.
I can choose peace.

Once I released control, I stopped replaying the situation in my head. I stopped obsessing. I stopped spiraling.

I stayed grounded.

I stayed true to who I am.

And that’s when it hit me:

I may miss the person I once was…
But she wasn’t happy.
She wasn’t at peace.
And she didn’t truly know who she was.

How could she be authentic when she was still trying to survive?

So yes, sometimes I grieve her.

But I don’t want to go back to her.

If you are in a season where you’re standing at the crossroads between who you used to be and who you’re becoming, I want you to know this:

It’s okay to miss your old self.
Be gentle with them.
Honor them.
Thank them.

That version of you may have carried you through dark moments.

But the person on the other side of your healing…
The person being shaped through your pain, trials, and growth…
Will be better than you ever imagined.

Keep choosing growth.
Keep choosing healing.
Keep choosing yourself.

Keep shaping the person you’re becoming.
Keep molding them with love, patience, and grace.
Keep being true to you.

It will be worth it.

A Moment to Pause & Reflect

If this resonated with you, take a few quiet moments to sit with yourself. You don’t have to have everything figured out. You don’t need perfect answers. Simply allow space for honesty, grace, and compassion.

Consider reflecting on these questions:

• What parts of my old self do I find myself missing the most?

• What habits once helped me survive but no longer serve who I’m becoming?

• When I feel overwhelmed, do I seek escape or support? Why?

• What does choosing peace look like in my life right now?

• Where do I sense God (or my inner voice) gently guiding me in this season?

• What is one small way I can honor my growth today?

You may want to journal your responses, sit with them in prayer, or simply hold them in your heart.

Gentle Steps You Can Take

Growth doesn’t have to be loud or drastic. Sometimes it looks like small, quiet choices.

• Choose one old habit you’re ready to release and one new habit you want to nurture.

• The next time you feel the urge to escape, pause and ask yourself what you truly need.

• Take a few deep breaths and say a short prayer or affirmation asking for peace.

• Extend compassion to your past self for getting you through what you didn’t know how to navigate back then.

• Do one small thing today that aligns with the person you’re becoming.

Let’s Continue the Conversation

If you feel comfortable, I’d love to hear from you.

What version of yourself are you currently learning to let go of?

Leave a comment below or share this post with someone who may be standing at the same crossroads. You’re not alone in this.