When Home Became My Safe Place

There was a time when I hated being home.

Especially being home alone.

When I was by myself, my mind would race—replaying traumatic experiences, magnifying every insecurity, and reminding me of all the ways I felt behind in life. I wasn’t where I wanted to be professionally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, or romantically. I felt like I didn’t have myself together, and sitting alone with my thoughts made that feel unbearable.

Being alone felt like facing a mirror I didn’t want to look into.

I believed I wasn’t enough. I believed I wasn’t good enough. And because I had been bullied for a majority of my life—by men and women—I internalized those voices and accepted them as truth.

So I avoided being home.

I went out.
I spent money I didn’t have.
I stayed busy—not because I was fulfilled, but because I was running.

But the truth is, when I went out, I was still alone.

I hated going out by myself, so I would try to find someone—anyone—to go with me. Even if I didn’t really want to be around them. Even if the connection felt forced. I just didn’t want to sit alone with my thoughts.

When I tried taking myself on dates, it felt even worse. Instead of feeling empowered, I felt like a loser. I told myself stories like: I can’t get a date. I don’t have friends. Something must be wrong with me. I was relentless with my self-criticism because I had learned to believe everyone else’s opinions about me more than my own.

Nights were the hardest.

Lying in bed alone, my thoughts would race like a NASCAR track—each one louder and faster than the last. I just wanted my brain to shut off. I wanted peace, but I didn’t know how to create it.

When Home Was Loud for a Different Reason

Eventually, I went from living alone to living with my ex-boyfriend.

And somehow, home became even less peaceful.

Our space was filled with constant tension and arguments over the smallest things. There was no emotional safety, no calm, no rest. I found myself staying out of the house just to avoid being around him.

He never left. No license. No car. And even though he could have gone for a walk, visited friends, or gone to his parents’ house, he stayed—almost intentionally—just to provoke me. So I left.

Again.

I went out to find peace.
I went out to avoid conflict.
I went out because being home felt suffocating.

But leaving wasn’t healing me. It was just delaying the work.

How Healing Changed My Relationship With Home

Since starting my healing journey, something shifted.

Slowly, my home became peaceful.

Not because my life suddenly became perfect—but because I did the internal work to feel safe with myself. My home has truly become my oasis. My safe space. A place where my nervous system can finally exhale.

I worked intentionally to create a calming environment—both externally and internally. I realized that peace doesn’t just happen; it’s cultivated.

I’m not bored. I’ve learned how to be present.

When my thoughts start racing, I journal.
I prioritize self-care: baths, reading, cooking, exercising.
I sit with myself instead of running from myself.

The book I’m currently reading is Power Moves by Sarah Jakes Roberts. It’s about taking your power back, and I genuinely recommend it if you’re in a season where you need to shift your mindset and begin believing differently about yourself.

I listen to music that calms my nervous system—lately, that’s been gospel and soul-fi. Xania Monet has been one of my favorites; her music blends gospel and R&B in a way that feels grounding and affirming.

For the first time in my life, I feel safe at home.

And more importantly, I feel safe within myself.

Becoming a Homebody Wasn’t the Plan—But It Was the Lesson

I was never a homebody. I never imagined I would become one.

But choosing peace has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself.

I still go out from time to time—but now it’s intentional, not escapism. I don’t leave home to run from myself anymore. I leave because I want to, not because I need to.

I finally understand how and why someone becomes a homebody.

It’s not about isolation.
It’s about regulation.
It’s about choosing peace over performance.

Sometimes healing looks like learning how to sit with yourself—and realizing you are not your past, your trauma, or the lies you once believed.

Gentle Advice If You’re Struggling With Being Alone

If being alone feels unbearable for you, I want you to know this:
You’re not broken. You’re not weak. And you’re not behind.

Often, the discomfort we feel in silence is an invitation—not a punishment.

Start small:

• Create a peaceful corner in your home
  

• Journal when your thoughts feel loud
  

• Limit distractions that keep you disconnected from yourself
  

• Choose music, books, and practices that calm your nervous system
  

• Be patient with yourself—healing is not linear
  

Peace doesn’t come from avoiding yourself.
It comes from learning how to stay.

Closing Prayer

God,
Thank You for meeting me in the quiet places I once feared.
Thank You for turning my home into a place of peace and my mind into a place of rest.
Heal the parts of me that learned to run instead of feel.
Help me release the voices that told me I wasn’t enough and replace them with Your truth.
Teach me how to sit with myself without judgment and to see myself the way You see me—whole, worthy, and loved.
Let my home be filled with peace, my heart with courage, and my life with restoration.
Amen.