From Transactional Faith to True Surrender: How God Met Me in My Brokenness
Growing up, I wasn’t forced to go to church, but my mom was very religious and constantly emphasized that God should be the center of my life. I believed in God when I was younger—not because I truly knew Him, but because I was told to. My faith was transactional. I would do something good and expect God to bless me in return.
That way of thinking changed when I was 12 years old.
My brother, who was eight years older than me, took his own life after struggling with bipolar disorder. He was my first best friend. I admired him deeply—he was unapologetically himself no matter who was around, and I loved that about him. He took me everywhere with him and we did everything together, and when he died, it shattered me.
I was angry at God.
How could He allow something so devastating to happen?
Isn’t He supposed to protect His children?
I refused to pray. I only went to church on special occasions, and even then, I wasn’t present. I questioned whether God was real at all, because how could a loving God let something like that happen to someone I loved so much? I told myself I would never forgive Him.
Even now, I’m still coping with my brother’s death. But over time, I’ve come to believe that he’s in a better place.
I just didn’t know how I would find my way back to God.
Hitting a Breaking Point
Years later, after my relationship ended, I stopped sleeping. I would be up for days at a time. What’s interesting is that my ex and I hadn’t even been sleeping in the same bed for months before the breakup. I think I was comforted simply by the fact that someone else was in the house—that I wasn’t physically alone.
But emotionally and mentally, I had been alone for a long time.
One night, I was completely exhausted, I laid in bed and asked God to let me sleep.
And He did.
That moment changed everything.
Isolation That Led to Transformation
After that, God began removing people from my life—family, friends, friends-with-benefits, social media. I felt isolated from everything and everyone. But in that isolation, I started spending more time with myself… and with Him.
God reminded me of goals I had once dreamed about but never pursued. I started working on them, and for the first time, I saw progress. He kept me busy with positive things and reintroduced joy back into my life—reading, writing, working out.
Then I started attending church virtually. One Sunday, the Bishop announced that one of the pastors would be starting a church in my area. I thought it was just a coincidence. But when I attended that church in person for the first time, I really enjoyed the preaching.
Soon after, I started reading the Bible, talking to God more, and actually seeking Him for guidance instead of only coming to Him when I needed something.
When Doing “Good” Still Isn’t Enough
At one point, I thought, Okay, I’ll give these things up for now, be really good, and then God will reward me.
So I did nice things for people. I showed up. I tried to be perfect.
But the rewards didn’t come.
Why?
Because I was still operating from a transactional mindset. My actions weren’t coming from my heart—they were coming from my flesh. And God knows our hearts.
God doesn’t want behavior modification.
He wants heart transformation.
Once I became intentional about doing things from a genuine place—not for praise, not for blessings, not for outcomes—I began to change internally.
God helped me release anger toward people who hurt me. He gave me a peace I had never experienced before. A peace that doesn’t depend on people, substances, or circumstances.
A Word for You
If you are in a season of spiritual battle or warfare, talk to God. Pray—but do it from the heart, not the flesh.
Steward yourself in those moments.
God hears you.
God sees you.
God is working on your behalf—even when you can’t see it.
Have faith.
Move with a pure heart.
And trust that surrender will always lead to peace.
Ending Prayer
God,
Thank You for meeting me in my brokenness, even when I was angry, distant, and unsure of You. Thank You for your patience, for stripping away what no longer served me, and for replacing it with peace. Help me—and anyone reading this—to surrender fully, to act from a pure heart, and to trust You even when the process is uncomfortable. Heal what is hurting, quiet anxious minds, and remind us that You are always near.
Amen.
Here are Some Reflection Questions for you to Think About…
When did I first learn about God, and how has my understanding of Him changed over time?
Have I ever been angry with God? If so, what was the root of that anger, and have I allowed myself to be honest with Him about it?
In what ways have I approached God from a transactional perspective—expecting blessings in exchange for good behavior?
What loss, disappointment, or unanswered prayer has most shaped my faith journey?
Are there people, habits, substances, or distractions I’ve been using to avoid sitting with my emotions or pain?
What has God been asking me to release that I’ve been resisting letting go of?
How do I respond when God removes something or someone from my life—do I fight it, grieve it, or trust Him through it?
When was the last time I experienced peace that didn’t depend on circumstances, people, or outcomes?
Am I acting from my heart or from my flesh in this season of my life?
What does true surrender look like for me right now—not temporarily, but fully?
In moments of isolation or silence, what is God revealing to me about myself?
How can I begin stewarding my mind, body, and spirit more intentionally?
What would it look like to trust that God is working on my behalf—even when I don’t see immediate results?
How has my definition of “reward” from God shifted as I’ve grown in my faith?
What is one step I can take this week to move closer to God with a pure and honest heart?
